Monday, September 28, 2009

Judging

Any true competition has some mechanism to determine which competitor prevails…who can outwit, outplay, outlast…who can call themselves the champion. My Quest is simple – I will sample and rate every pie that Bakers Square has to offer. When all is said and done, there can be only one…the champion…the King of the Pie.

So how do you whittle down a field of over thirty-five pies and have only one remain?

Maybe we could do it in American Idol or America’s Got Talent style. Although I don’t think Simon, Randy, Sharon or David would be viable options.

How about taking a page from Survivor? No, that wouldn’t work. I’m pretty sure the pies won’t be available for tribal council.

What about doing something on par with the Olympics? Well, the theme music would be cool, but you always have to keep an eye on the German judge.

Maybe I need to get off the Networks and flip down the channels a little farther. Yes. The Food Network. That’s where I’ll find my answer.

Maybe something along the lines of Throwdown with Bobby Flay. Or even better…Iron Chef America. I can see it now…Pie Stadium. The mystery pie would be unveiled at the beginning, Alton Brown can provide commentary. It’ll be huge!

Ok. So I might be getting a little carried away. But I think I’m on to something here. There won’t be a Pie Stadium and Alton Brown is probably too busy to commentate, but judging food based on categories like taste and appearance might actually work.

Along with taste and appearance, I think we should add texture as well. After all, texture is an important part of any dish, so I think we will add that too.

Now, in order to be able to separate the winners from the losers, I think each component of the pie should be judged individually – then combined to come up with an overall score. When we break it down to basics and look at the definition of pie, you have two key parts:

- The crust/topping; and
- The filling.

Each of these will be judged on taste, appearance and texture. There should probably be an Overall Pie Experience included too, so we can round out the judging.

Points – you can’t really judge anything if there are no point values. Since it looks like there will be over thirty-five pies in competition, we need to make sure the point range is large enough to accommodate all the pies – as well as be able to create separation. I’m thinking 10 points per component.

So here it is:

Crust/Topping
Appearance – 10 total points possible
Taste – 10 total points possible
Texture – 10 total points possible

Filling
Appearance – 10 total points possible
Taste – 10 total points possible
Texture – 10 total points possible

Overall Pie Experience – 10 additional points possible

Total possible points: 70

You know, I think this just might be crazy enough to work.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

What is a pie?

I think we’ve justified the need for rules in My Quest to sample and rank all Bakers Square’s pies. The next thing we need to do is determine what falls under the category of pie?

Flipping through the Bakers Square dessert menu, it was clear that some items can naturally be classified as pie.

Apple pie – In
Cherry pie – In
Pumpkin pie – In
Carrot cake – Out
Hot fudge brownie a la mode – Out

Then there is our old friend the cheesecake. Where does cheesecake fall?

Now there are many people out there that are firm believers that the cheesecake is truly a cake. Why? I guess because cake is in the name. Now, on the surface that seems like pretty solid logic, I mean after all, why would you name a pie cake? That would be like naming your cat dog or your daughter son.

Doesn’t make much sense.

But wait! I think they – and by they I mean all those word nerds out there –have a name for this…an oxymoron.

Oxymoron: A combination of contradictory or incongruous words such as “cruel kindness.”

Boy, I think I need to look up some words that define the word I am looking up. That’s never good.

Oh wait. What about that movie, Renaissance Man? There was that bit on Military Intelligence.

Okay, so I have a question for those of you still clinging to the cheesecake-is-cake stance. What about Boston cream pie? There is nothing pie about it. It’s actually a cake with pastry cream in the middle. Based on your logic, since pie is in the name, it must be a pie. I disagree.

Let’s see what Webster’s has to say:

Pie – noun - a dessert consisting of a filling (as of fruit or custard) in a pastry shell or topped with pastry or both

Well, looking at that definition, I would say that a cheesecake is more of a pie than a Boston cream pie is. Granted, most cheesecakes don’t have a pastry crust, they do have a crust.

Okay, I think we have it.

Boston cream pie – Out
Cheesecake – In

Now, was that so hard?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Rules? Who needs rules?

In gearing up to begin My Quest to sample and rank all of Bakers Square’s pies, it appeared that things were not going to be as simple as I originally thought.

Here is how my simplistic mind thought it would work:

I’d eat pie…determine if it was good or not and then move on to the next.

Simple, right? Guess again.

How do you rate apple pie versus French silk? Cherry versus Resses Peanut butter Cup pie?

As in any competition, there needs to be rules. After all, you can’t just have a free-for-all. Mass chaos could ensue. Just think what would happen if there were no rules in football? No holding penalties, false starts, off sides.

What would you be left with? Twenty-two guys running around the field chasing the ball?

Wrong.

Remember…no rules. This means no limit to the number of players on the field, or on the team for that matter.

There must be rules.

First and foremost, it’s a safety issue. After all, many of the rules in football are there to protect the players, keep them from getting a season- or career-ending injury. Or worse, being laid up in a hospital bed looking at years of rehab just to be able to walk again. No sir, I won’t let that happen to me on My Quest.

Rules…there must be rules.

Defining them will be another matter.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

My Quest

I am about to begin a quest. This could be my defining moment. I am going to fulfill my destiny. This could possibly make or break my kingdom. How did all this start, you ask? Well, let me take you back...

It all started several months ago when we went to Bakers Square for dinner. After dinner, I began flipping through the dessert menu, trying to decide which pie to order.

From what they tell me, as I flipped through the menu, I appeared to be in a zombie-like trance, mumbling:

“Mmm…blueberry…I like blueberry. Mmm…coconut cream…I like coconut cream. Mmm…pie… I like pie.”

After several minutes and multiple times through the menu, I made my choice. Not because I knew what I wanted. Oh no. It was because everyone else had already ordered and if I had any hope of eating pie that night, I needed to decide.

After finishing my dessert, mumbling “mmm…pie, I like pie,” between each mouthful, I announced to the family that I was going to begin a quest…I needed to fulfill my destiny…the planets have aligned and I could see the purpose of my life. That’s right…I was going to sample ALL of Bakers Square’s pies – more than 26 pies. The kids got a kick out of this and there was quite the discussion about My Quest on the ride home.

As excited as I was, it was some time before we got back to Bakers Square, and to be honest with you, I had kind of forgotten about my Pie Quest until I was confronted once again by the pie menu. Then it all came back to me in one big wave of emotion (err…well…as big a wave as apathy will get you).

After dinner, I realized I had a problem. I’d forgotten which pie I’d eaten the last time. Now I’m not sure if this is old age setting in or if I have bonked my head one (or three) too many times, but this was a setback. I had 26 pies to eat and, even with one down, forgetting what I’d eaten put me squarely back at stage one.

This clearly identified the need for some sort of tracking system. I gave the twins the task of being my “Pie Trackers” so in the future, I wouldn’t duplicate my efforts. I ordered and ate my pie and we were on our merry way.

Now if you take nothing away from this rambling story, please, please, please remember this: When the balance of good vs. evil is on the line, when the fate of all humanity lies in the balance, never, never, NEVER entrust a nine year old, let alone two, to be ever-important trackers of anything. Ever.

As you can probably guess, the next time we went back to Bakers Square, neither of the girls could remember what kind of pie I had. Dang! I was right back where I’d started. I had two pies down, but no idea what they were.

I fired my Pie Trackers and decided to track my own progress. Jess and I tried to develop a strategy. During the discussion, Jess pointed out that having a goal to eat pie was more of a hobby than a quest. She noted that a real, official quest should achieve some type of outcome – some sort of value, other than adding a few extra inches to my waistline.

Suggesting My Quest lacked value hurt. I was crushed. No – demoralized. Demoralized to the point of wanting to move to a secluded cabin in the north woods and abandon all civilization. But the more I thought about it, I began to see the light. After all, I still get to eat pie, and in the end I would know something nobody else knows:

I would know which Bakers Square pie is the best.

My Quest is on. This is going to put me on the map, make me the Jared of Bakers Square.